Bus Note

I spent 2 summers as a camp counselors in the Poconos, which I originally thought was pronounced poCOnos until my parents got a good laugh out of my request to travel to that non-existent mountain range.

Farewells at camp included "bus notes", mostly to encourage the crying of every girl on every departing greyhound who was being torn from the woods to return to the Upper East Side (or somewhere comparable). This is the rough draft of one of my bus notes to a fellow camp counselor.

The receiv-ee of this classy lil note reminds me slightly of Janeane Garofalo but a bit bubblier and substantially less-socially appropriate. She had been extremely sick for the week prior to departure.

Bus Note:

B.G.,

As you waste away (on the toilet), I've grown progressively (in the stomach region). Sometimes I'm jealous of your diarrhea sessions, but I'm even more upset that you feel so shitty. I wish when I saw you yesterday as I was meandering around the social, you didn't look like death. Although, I was happy to find you sitting alone in a canoe.

I f'in hate when pens run out of ink. Mother of god.

Moving on- I'm coming to visit you because you're up there on my favorite people list. Plus, Boston smells nice. And my future husband is there. Diary insert-> "I need a strong, athletic, but still creative man who's tall & handsome. I'll find him someday."

Anyways, while I'm gone back to Florida, think of me when:

a.your pubes take over your thighs [normal B.G. circumstance]

b.you pull off dirty toenails that are worth eating for $100 [re-curring bet made w/ B.G. by campers due to her raging nail-growth]

c. you're attracted to underage boys [normal for me]

d. when you hear "summer lovin" in duet form [normal for me- with underage boys]

I'll miss your wit and lack of inhibition.

I don't like when pens leak, shit. Now you can't read anything. Ah, hell-

Have a great year.

-me

*underage boys- any counselors at the boys camp who were younger than me; preferably from England; at least 18 years of age.

I'm not mad about the pen smudges anymore. Otherwise, there'd be no rough draft.