XANGA RE-DISCOVERED

Dang, you fierce lil model- with your $5 aviators and freshly cut curtain-of-sorrow bangs.

Pout those bee-stung lips, girlll.

So it's still existent. My Xanga. My online diary. You'd think you'd find virtual "entries" that are not QUITE as ridiculous/lame/emo/dramatic as those found in a real diary.

Au contraire! MY diary still strongly represented each of those adjectives. Not only was it a place to vent, but also a place to receive sincerely helpful advice (?) from my ever-so-insightful teenage friends.

Let's re-visit me at 14...

A lil Background: I was a freshman. My brother was a senior.

I had never had a beer, a boyfriend, or a kiss.

(Mind you, I was definitely boy-crazy)

Sept. 2002

"There's Jim Beam sitting on the counter upstairs.

It looks so welcoming, its like a cup isn't even needed to enjoy it. I'm afraid with all the medicine I'm taking, that would be my breaking point. It's kentucky straight bourbon whiskey. I usually don't just want things like this. My allergies are going to my head. I should sleep. I took the tests today. I don't want grades back...maybe my teacher will lose them.

My only highlight of the day was volleyball. I didn't even feel sick while I was playing it. And now I'm here, looking to Jim Beam for my release from this continuous pain. I hate it. My eyes are twitching because the most I ever sleep is 6 hours. When weekends come I also seem to feel as if it will be the time to sleep, but when its a weekend, I'm not going to give up social things for sleep. Everythings so frustrating, so confusing.

This sickness has taking something away from me. I don't know, I'm just not myself. My friend IMed me and said "I miss you." That makes me wonder how much I've changed. Although, I might not have changed. I could be overanalysing...Maybe I'm just different for the time being because I have no energy. I can barely smile anymore. I need to get better. Nothing's been to great lately. Not just the stuff relating to sickness. I don't wanna go into personal things on here because I'm one of those people who keep there emotions in, (CLEARLY) even though it always screws me over, in every situation. Avril Lavigne's song (Things I'll Never Say) partially says what I mean-

"It don't do me any good, it's just a waste of time, what use is it to you, what's on my mind, if it ain't coming out, were not going anywhere, so why can't I just tell you that I care, I'm feeling nervous, trying to be so perfect, cause I know you're worth it..."

Dang, this is long, and I have homework. Teacher's suck. Goodnight forever."

Holy Crap.

I have nothing to say.

What Would Avril Say?

She always had the words.